If you have a brother or sister, like I do, you probably have trouble – in the form of sibling rivalry. I don't need to explain it very much – it's the competition between siblings that can result in physical fighting, verbal hostility, teasing, or bullying.
Does this sound all too familiar at your household? I can definitely relate! Growing up with a younger brother, while our four-year age gap minimized the rivalry between us, sibling rivalry still exists in my family. My parents compare my grades to my brother’s grades. And like many siblings, we play the exact same sports. Sometimes over dinner, we'll argue over who scored more goals in soccer or who did better in 7th grade. In other households, the sibling rivalry might be even more intense, but why does this even occur in the first place?
Experts think that sibling rivalry originates from the constant competition over parent approval, love, and attention. The range of sibling rivalry may vary from family to family, depending on factors such as each child’s role in their family, the personalities in every family, the number of children and age gap, the gender of the children, and the parents personal preferences of their children. While we may often consider sibling rivalry to be a bad thing, small doses of sibling rivalry can help siblings learn to share, compromise, and negotiate with peers.
Some common problems that arise between siblings include conflicts, comparison or competition over sports, grades, friends, attracting people of the opposite sex, who is more “popular”, etc. If there is a special needs child in a family who dominates parental attention, that can add to the intensity of the rivalry. Another common problem is assuming that the older child is always responsible for every single fight. Not only is this unfair to the older child, but it also creates an overpowering over the younger siblings which may make them seen as weak. In homes with a single parent, it may be even more difficult to balance their children’s needs due to the ratio of more children to only one adult.
After dealing with my brother, here are some tips I've learned to avoid sibling rivalry:
1. Take a deep breath and think about the situation. Try to figure out if you are angry with the person or just frustrated with the situation.
2. Ignore patronizing or teasing behavior. If your sibling is just trying to make you angry or upset, walk away from the situation and do not retaliate.
3. If the situation intensifies and becomes very serious, involve your parent or another adult to help intervene with the issue.
Studies have shown that meditation can reduce pain, and that prayer can effect healing. Prayer and meditation can help you to relax and take a mental time-out.
4. Offer to involve your siblings in your plans. By including them not only will they be grateful, but they will also be more inclined to invite you to other events in the future.
5. Learn to compromise. In life you will never have it your way all the time. Give tradeoffs so both of you benefit from the situation.
6. Make a list of your own special talents. You and your sibling might be good at different things. Instead of comparing yourself to them, focus on what you’re good at.
7. Try to congratulate your siblings on their achievements and share their happiness. If you do this for them, they'll be more likely to do it for you.
