If you don’t trust someone, can you consider that person a true friend?

I don’t think so. I know that if I can’t trust someone—if I’m just not comfortable being myself around him or her—I always hold back.

The issue of trusting friends didn’t really affect me for the first dozen years of my life. Till then, I’d always found my friends trustworthy. Unfortunately, I found myself singing a different tune in high school.

One of the people who I considered a close friend repeatedly broke my trust on both small and larger scales, and I couldn’t help but question our friendship. Why did she continue to go behind my back and blurt my secrets? Could I still be friends with her? And, most importantly, what had possessed my friend, who I had deemed trustworthy for so long, to break my trust?

As I worked to resolve this friendship dilemma, I noticed that I wasn’t alone. Time after time I heard tearful stories from peers about backstabbing and breaches of trust. And there was a common theme to these stories: gossip. Friends were continually spreading secrets and information that were meant to be kept quiet.

Think about it: someone spills your secrets. How can your friendship ever be the same?

A long history of gossip

Of course, not gossiping isn’t quite so easy to do. People have been gossiping for centuries. Egyptologists have even discovered hieroglyphics filled with sensational gossip. Five thousand years later, researchers studying gossipers from American middle schools to villages in Newfoundland found “amazing similarities” between then and now. 

Gossip is also all over the media. From web celeb Perez Hilton to People magazine to the CW network’s hit show “Gossip Girl,” it has become natural to dish on everyone’s dirt.

But does its popularity make gossip right? It may be tempting, but it is likely to hurt someone else, and often destroys relationships.

Some people say that light, harmless gossip is an effective way to stay up-to-date with what’s going on. Plus, it can sometimes be helpful. For example, if you have a crush on someone, and then find out your crush cheated on his or her last beau, you’ll know to steer clear and save yourself from a potential heartbreak.

Good gossip, bad gossip

Despite its potential positives, it’s still important to draw a line between what is and is not “appropriate” gossip.

Here’s a general rule of thumb: before you start gossiping, think about whether or not you’d be okay with someone saying what you’re about to dish about you. If you know it wouldn’t bother you, then it’s probably in the clear. If it would, then you can be sure that the person the gossip really is about won’t appreciate it either.

I think putting a stop to gossip is way overdue. Even though I sometimes slip a little and can’t help but comment on how short so-and-so’s skirt is, I have made a huge effort of refrain from gossiping, as I know from experience how much it hurts to have someone break your trust like that. By choosing to keep mum, you’ll be able to keep that bond of trust that maintains strong friendships.

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This article was reviewed by BodiMojo expert Tara Cousineau, Ph.D.